Taking time to learn

Well, it sure has been a while since I posted here!  That's a good thing, as it means we've been busy enjoying life.  Working on an adoption with kids in tow is a much different experience, and I am fairly certain that our caseworker at Health and Welfare thinks me a bit flighty.  I mean, it took Kevin and I over two weeks to fill out 8 sheets of paper on ourselves.  Wait, make that like 1 month.  Sheesh!  When we were applying to adopt from China, the paperwork mound was, well, it was more than 8 sheets of paper....a lot more.  But we were so excited, and for sure had more free time on our hands then, that we were quite efficient.

These days, I was lucky that the spilled glass of chocolate milk didn't quite reach the 8 sheets of paper I had just finished and was laying on the breakfast table.  But I rescued it just in time, and our caseworker picked it up later that day, thankfully, for who knows what might have happened to it next, like an accident with paint, or even worse, accidentally recycled.

Now, all this is not to say that we are not anxiously awaiting a new addition to our family, we truly are!   Though I will say, it is hard to visualize just how this new person, or persons, will change our family dynamics.  When your waiting for kids before you have any, you think about the baby stuff, the lack of sleep, bottles, etc.  But I never did really get beyond imagining what all that would be like.  Now we have preschoolers, and I wonder, what will another child bring into the mix, and how will the two we have react?  What changes will I like?  What changes will be hard?  This I do know, that adding a sibling to a family is one of the greatest gifts to give our current children.  Sure, it can be painful at times with bickering or fighting, but those moments when your oldest takes his sister's hand and skips down the street?  Well, those make all of the other "stuff" worth it.

So here's what we've been up to since I posted last.  We looked at all our options for adopting, and have decided to try using Health and Welfare's Foster-to-Adopt program.  This means that we may foster a child for a time before they are eligible for adoption.  We're still a bit unsure about fostering and how that will affect our family as a whole, however.  I mean, we do have two young kids and I'm just not sure how they will react to fostering and then saying goodbye.  And I'm truthfully not sure how I will react.  So our plan for now is to focus on being an adoptive family, and providing respite for current fostering families.  This means that if a child becomes eligible for adoption, we could be that family for them even having never fostered them.  Providing respite means that when current foster families need a day or even a weekend away from fostering, say if they have to travel, then that child would come live with us for that short period of time and then return to their foster family.  After getting a window into what fostering is like through doing respite, we may change our status to become regular foster parents ourselves.  But our end goal will remain to adopt, and we've agreed to take a sibling group of two if the situation arises.

After taking 6 weeks of classes, twice weekly, myself, then Kevin took the same classes.  We learned a lot about what it means to foster, a little more about adopting, and about what we want for our family  At this time, we are reading through our homestudy written by our caseworker, then once we approve it, the homestudy will be sent on to be reviewed by those that approve us for a license.  This next process will take about 1 month, providing we don't take a whole month to read over the homestudy ourselves!  Haha.

We thank you all for support and prayers as we work through this process.  Also, we are still open to doing a private adoption, using a lawyer we have already spoken with here in town.  So if that arises, we will welcome it, but we are finding this route to be a challenging one.

In any case, we are looking ahead, looking forward with joy, at what awaits our family!  Blessings to you and yours.

Waiting

Waiting......it's something I'll never be great at...never gets easier.  I wish we could put a nine-month-stamp on this "pregnancy" and know that in less than a year, we'll have another baby.  But I can't.  I'm at the mercy of others, the mercy of schedules.....the mercy of God.  And that is the best thing about waiting, the part about God drawing me closer to Him as I seek patience.  He is pointing out to me daily the blessings I have in two little people that are already in my life.  They are at such a wonderful age, we get to use our imaginations to explore, we laugh together, they say amazing things that are often also stinking hilarious, they are brilliant geniuses, and they give the best hugs.  And they talk about wanting a new baby too, they want to know what babies are like, how they "talk".  So I talk to them a lot about when they were babies, what they were like, how little their clothes were, and it brings back so many joyful memories that their little faces light up when i tell them stories about their time in the hood....babyhood, that is.

We have begun the process in the foster-to-adopt program with our local Health and Welfare.  While we are still very much open to doing a private adoption, we know that at least with this program, we can move forward and hopefully grow our family.  Finding a "situation" on our own has led to some dead ends so far.  Since we will be foster parents, we could very well take in a child that we will have to give back, and I have thought long and hard about how I will deal with that.  The answer is, I  don't really know until it happens.  And while that is scary, I am also very certain that God will protect us from letting frustration and even despair take over, letting hope win out.

We have submitted the paperwork, and I have done fingerprints, Kevin will do his soon.  I wasn't able to let the kids see me get fingerprinted, it was in another closed room, so they waited outside with Grammy.  I tried to explain that this process is kind of like our ultrasound, but got no sympathy from the criminology worker, alas.  She simply, seriously said "it isn't a game, this is real FBI stuff".  To which I almost replied "Really?  You think I see this as a game?" but instead just chuckled nervously.  They wouldn't let Grammy (my mother-in-law) come in because they felt I might not answer their questions truthfully.  If only they knew how much she already knows about me!

Our hope is to foster a child that we can then adopt, and the process is case-by-case, meaning we won't really know if we can adopt them right away.  First, we have to attend a series of classes about fostering and adoption, and we can not begin those until later summer or fall, so it will be a while yet before we really move forward.

As always, we are grateful for prayers, and even for leads, even if they go nowhere for us, it leads us to pray for that baby, and for that I am thankful.

Adopted

Happy for them, but happier for us

We have always, always been open about sharing our adoptions stories.  Partly due to us wanting our kids to know how proud we are of them and the joy they bring our family.  We want them to know they were divinely chosen by God to miraculously make it to our family, and we're proud of their stories.  Additionally, we are also fairly open about what led us to adoption to begin with, that being our infertility.  I share our story openly in hopes that others may know there is hope past that pain, and further that adoption is chocked full of hope and blessings.

All this being said, it never fails that someone, usually a casual acquaintance or even a stranger, inquires "are these yours" as our daughter clearly looks nothing like us.  We then get a story about how her cousin's best friend's aunt's niece did 7 failed IVFs, then filled out paperwork to adopt, only to wind up surprisingly pregnant.  Then they look at me for a moment, to see if I got the point that really we just need to relax, and it will happen for us, too.  But here's where they are missing the point.  I am so proud of our family, how it has grown, the stories we have.  I feel so lucky every time I nuzzle a kiss in their neck amidst their giggles.  We have been married for nearly 14 years, and I am under no illusion that we will ever conceive.  And if we did, miraculously?  I'd be elated.  But if we are sent our miracle by another means?  I'd be ecstatic, because just as much as we are an answer to someone's prayer, they are an answer to ours.  And that's not an answer I can ever get across in a simple response to someone's story of their friend's dog's cousin's owner who just needed to relax.

Letter to a tummy-mommy.....

The other day, I was putting together a package I do every year around this time.  A physical glance will reveal pictures and a letter--what you wouldn't see is at first glance is all the emotion, a lot of joy and thankfulness, that pours out of me when I think about the recipient.  Without ever really knowing us, Little Man's birth-mom, or tummy-mommy as we've been telling him, gave us a most incredible piece of our family, a piece that we could never had created on our own, but who is most definitely our son.  He came into our lives so quickly, change our plans completely, and we are so the better for it.  Still today he moves quickly, changes our plans constantly, and makes our lives better all the time.  He is a strong leader with a great heart, and that's an amazing combination.  

Back to the package.....Usually I put together this package on my own, pouring into it my prayers for Little Man's tummy-mommy, but mostly it's a pretty private event.  This year, Little Man wanted to know what I was working on, and why am I putting pictures of him in an envelope, who was I sending it to?  I got all kinds of advice too, like "mom, don't send that picture, send this one!  Look at my good swimming in this one!"  So I took this opportunity to talk to him about how he came to us.  We've told him before that we got him at a hospital, that my tummy is broken so he grew in someone else's tummy.  But this time, he wanted information like, who is she?  What is her name?  Where does she live?  So I shared with him what I knew, and what I felt he could understand at this point.  I know with each stage in life he'll have more questions, some I'll have answers to and some I won't, but I was actually relieved to share some of this with him.  Keeping his adoption a secret from him was never what we wanted, and we have always been open with him about his adoption, but mostly up to now we have shared with him everything that happened AFTER we brought him home.  This was mostly because we never knew of him until after he was born, but I just never knew how I would explain how he came to us, where he came from.  But now I know, I don't have to explain....I just need to follow his lead on what he wants to know, and I'll answer as best I can.  Though we have only a few details of his tummy-mommy, I am thankful for each piece of information, because someday he may want to know, or maybe he will never want it.  Either way, I like knowing just who it is that grew this miracle for us.  Even though I tell her in each letter how amazing she is for giving us this gift, I don't know if she'll ever really understand how grateful we are.  

We have a couple pictures of her, and one thing I've noticed is that Little Man has her hands.  So every time I look at his hands, I think of her and my joy overflows once again.  I may never know how she feels about her decision, if she is glad she made it or does she regret it.  I wonder about her a lot, how she is doing and where she is, and so I pray for her, that she is happy and having a good life.  I do know with certainty that Little Man belongs in our family--without a doubt--and am forever thankful that his tummy-mommy made the choice she did.  We are blessed.  

Beginning Chapter 3!

Ok, it's official! We are starting the process of another adoption. And by starting, I mean we are just at the very beginning! So we'll use this blog to get the word out and share our experience.

If any of you readers have any connections or information to pass along to us, you can contact us at husker526@cableone.net.

Keep checking back for updates!

Blessings,

Jenny

Yellow Rose

Perhaps you have already heard our story of the yellow rose, but if you haven't I encourage you to read on. It's a story of faith and promises that has enhanced my belief that God does indeed speak to us, subtle at times but always real.

Kevin and I married nearly ten years ago, knowing we were each other's best friend but having no idea how God would mold us more together through unexpected trials. Once we were both done with school we thought it a good time to start a family and we wanted a big one. As any child-desiring couple does, we began to picture what our family would be like, a little girl with Kevin's curly hair, and little boy with my big smile and on and on until maybe we could have our own baseball team. A year or so later, still childless, we slowly began to wonder why our desire for children was not enough for God to bless us. It would be a while yet before we understood fertility as a gift and not a right, and longer than that to know that it isn't the only gift, the only way. As with any journey, we had to make our way from our own expectations to God's will, and we had to feel and embrace all the disappointments along the way. We had to be honest with ourselves that we felt sad, angry, jealous, and even betrayed that God would give us a beautiful marriage, an overwhelming desire to experience all its blessings and not make the picture complete. Another two years would pass of us on a constant roller coaster, wanting to get off but not wanting to face the reality that our dreams of family might always be only dreams. We did our best to enjoy our time together, and we really did enjoy it, without children, being able to be spontaneous, work on our garden and home, and travel with ease. I had time to try out every career imaginable and find the one I finally fell in love with, and had time to volunteer, gaining experiences that I am eternally grateful for. Kevin had time to grow in his woodworking and gardening skills. We had time to play and do what we wanted for the most part, and we always used our time wisely while we waited and hoped for change, but there was always an underlying sadness and longing. It was about this time that Kevin, while praying privately, offered up a request for a sign. Both of us being confused about what to do next and wanting some clarity, our prayers were always concentrated on asking for the gift of children. This particular prayer, however, was asking God to show Kevin that He had not forgotten us, not betrayed our trust, and that our desire for children would someday be fulfilled. Kevin asked God to answer this request with a yellow rose, that when seeing a yellow rose in whatever occasion God chose to show it, Kevin would know at that moment God was listening. And of course I do believe that God never really betrays us and is always listening, but the weakness of the human heart sometimes loses faith, which is how I felt at the time. Kevin offered this prayer up privately, I would only find out later about the meaning of a yellow rose for him.

As our time in South Carolina grew longer we decided to buy a house and settle a bit, becoming somewhat southernized and building some great friendships. We found a cute little starter house and were excited to now be official home owners. We moved in our home over the winter and as spring approached we made plans to start a garden and do some major landscaping. One afternoon Kevin called me into the backyard and said "There's something I have to tell you", pointing to a small bush that had sprouted from under the heaps of pinestraw. Now at this point I should say that the previous homeowners were by no means gardeners, they had kept up the shrubs somewhat but there was not a flower planted anywhere, and we love our flowers. We had a blank slate, save this little bush that had seemingly popped up overnight. Kevin's face was serious but I could see excitement behind it. "Do you see this rosebush?" he asked, to which I replied yes, I had noticed it when we first moved in but it didn't have any blooms then. I also remember thinking it was a very odd place for a random miniature rose bush. Apparently my excitement did not match Kevin's at finding that the blooms on the bush were displaying tiny yellow roses. It was then that he shared with me the prayer he had offered up many months before, asking for such a sign. At first my heart jumped, wanting to believe that our prayers for children would soon be answered, but soon enough my doubt set in again, respecting Kevin's belief in this answer from God but thinking it was probably just coincidence. In effort to help this little, struggling but growing rose bush along I later tried moving it to a spot I thought more appropriate, only finding out that roses don't transplant well and the bush died. I was mortified that I had helped kill this bush that I thought meant so much to Kevin, but he wasn't disappointed, finding the importance in the meaning behind the rose bush.

Some time later I received a package in the mail from a friend with a note saying that a priest had brought three of these rosary beads back from his recent trip to Fatima and wanted her to give each of them to someone she felt could benefit from their use and meaning. Upon opening the box and holding up the rosary made of rosewood, I caught the scent of roses that still flow strongly from the beads to this day, and have been used for many prayers.

At this point we sought medical help, but without being overly invasive to just diagnose our situation, it was very difficult to find a doctor willing to help us and not just bypass the cause. We found a wonderful doctor in another state who gave us just the right balance of empathy and honesty. I remember the moment we had our final consultation about his findings, and he looked at us with sincerity and said "Looking into adoption might be the best step for you", and went on to explain our situation to us. It was as if we needed that confirmation, that knowledge, that not only would having our own children be very difficult, but that having our own children didn't rely on our own genes. I am eternally grateful for that doctor's honesty with us because we needed someone to help lift the weight of unknown infertility from us. It wasn't long after that experience that Kevin said to me one night at dinner, out of the blue, "I think we should adopt a little girl from China". We knew of some friends that were inspired to adopt from China after listening to a priest share his recent experiences in China and of how great the need was there of children needing families. Our friends inspired us to think about following a similar journey, and once Kevin mentioned it that night at dinner, our hearts and minds were set from that moment. After sharing our decision with our friends, many asked why we chose China, and that's a difficult question to answer. After looking into domestic adoption, we were unsure our now fragile dream for children could survive the uncertainties that can come with domestic adoption. The biggest reason was that we instinctively felt God leading us in this direction. Realizing that somewhere halfway around the world was a child we would call our daughter was a leap of faith for us, an overwhelming prospect but one that excited us. Our hope was restored in this decision and we began the daunting task of choosing an agency and doing the paperwork. As we ventured further into the process we found that the growth of our family was at the mercy of the many, many people we relied upon to notarize and authenticate our lives and approve us for parenthood. Adoption is a process that unites, in a way, hundreds of people for the purpose of putting together this one child with this one mommy and one daddy.

A few months into the paperwork parade, a friend shared with us a revelation he had about our family. It was Divine Mercy Sunday when he was given this vision or dream while he was deep in meditative prayer, praying for us. In his vision he saw Kevin and I standing in front of Mary, our heads bowed to look into the face of our baby boy in our arms. At the time we sincerely thanked him for sharing this with us, and knowing that we were set to adopt a girl from China, we wondered what this meant. It would be more than a year later before we would understand its significance.

About one year later, our paperwork had been stamped with its final approval, translated into Chinese and sent across the ocean on the wings of our hope for our daughter. Now we had time to stop, imagine, and wonder about how much our lives would change going from two to three. And we wondered about our daughter, has she been given life yet, when will she be born and where, and what would be the first thing her little eyes would see? Who would hold her while she let out her first cry, who would feed her, would she be warm and feel loved? So much we would miss, so much we would not know, ever. What we did know was how much we couldn't wait to hold her, make her laugh, see her cry, watch her grow up and become the woman God meant her to be. She would be Chinese, yet American, but most importantly she would be part of our family, our little Madeline.

Approaching the following Mother's Day was met with less difficulty than the previous five. We now had a light on the horizon that someday I would know what is was like to sit in bed and be brought a shaking tray of coffee and cream puffs, just like I used to make my mom. At our church we had a tradition of gathering all the children in the back, giving each one a flower and sending them in a processional up to the statue of Mary, laying the flowers at her feet. Following mass the children could then go take their flower to their own mothers for Mother's Day. On this particular day I was back helping the children line up and get their flowers, of which we had an assortment of carnations, daisies and roses. A friend, also helping, approached me as the children filed out and said "You deserve one of these, too", knowing of our long journey to start a family, and she handed me a yellow rose. Of all the possible flowers she could have given me in a plethora of colors, it was a yellow rose. I had never shared its significance with anyone. I could do nothing but stare at the rose for several minutes, not able to push down the hope that came with it. That was my last childless Mother's Day. The following October, an unexpected surprise to be sure, my son Michael Leo would be born in South Carolina while I was in New York. I would find out that he existed when he was one day old and be his Mommy forever the very next day. His adoption happened so fast because our paperwork that was ready for Madeline could be used to adopt him as well. If not for our journey to Madeline, Leo might not be here with us, and I can not imagine life without his smiling face. Now he is helping us in what has become a long wait for Madeline, and we can't wait to add her yellow rose to our garden.